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I hope that some day someone will love me the way that I love Rob.

I’m sure that he loves me to some extent - I feel it’s almost inevitable. He points out tiny things about my mind or my thoughts or my appearance or my little absent-minded actions. And he’s always done that. 

But the love I have for him (that doesn’t upset me anymore) is much more than that. Whether he feels more than what he shows is a mystery that I will probably never know the answer to. But how I feel about him is so beautiful and it’s pretty much going to waste.

I love the look in his eyes when he’s surprised or excited about something or when I say something dumb. I love when he’s going to say something but gets flustered or nervous so he just stops and kind of stutters. I love how he always has something funny to say. I love how he always makes eye contact. I love how he squints when trying to read street signs. I love (and almost hate) how the scent of his cologne hasn’t changed. I love how he looks when he’s about to kiss me.

And all of this sounds upsetting and emotional, but I really am okay with everything now. I just don’t want him to go.


In my opinion, there is a vast difference between a mom and a mother. Obviously “mom” is just a shorter word for “mother,” but I don’t think they’re the same. 

I feel that the woman who gives birth to you is your mother. Legally, logically, psychologically and physically, that woman is your mother. But it takes more than just giving birth to a child to be a mom.

A mom nurtures. A mom cares. A mom goes to dance recitals and karate tournaments. A mom helps with homework and school projects. A mom has snacks ready on the table for when you get home from school. A mom loves. A mom supports. A mom offers positive feedback and optimism. A mom introduces you to the brighter side of things. A mom invites your boyfriend over for a home cooked meal. A mom would walk a trillion miles barefoot in the snow to ensure her child’s’ safety. A mom does the simple things that children grow up thinking they’re entitled to should be entitled to.

But I didn’t have that.

The early stages of Kim’s eternal mind games, for lack of better words, I’m not certain that she necessarily had malicious intent. My impression may be clouded because I was a child, so everything I’m about to say comes from the mind of about 5-10 year old me.

She was in pain. Or that’s what she told everyone. She was in constant pain. Joint and muscle pain. Constant complaints of her joints aching, constant engulfment in her bed, literally crying out “Why me?” Constant self pity. Trips to the doctor’s office were frequent. Trips to the pharmacy were even more frequent. If you even accidentally nudge her handbag (which was always Louis Vuitton with a matching wallet, planner and coin purses) you would hear pills rattling around. She would sometimes pass it off as if that sound was just some loose change in her bag. It was easy to differentiate the sounds. She was always sick, or that’s what she told everyone at least. Any time my sister and I wanted to go to the park or the beach or even to get ice cream up the street, she was too sick to get out of bed. Her remedy? A combination of chasing percocets with some Smirnoff and blaming my father. Oh no, it wasn’t her who took the initiative to chug a whole bottle of vodka… It was my father. It was her life. It was the one of two paths that she chose to take. It was her shitty childhood.

But realistically, it was none of those things. It was her.

It is absolutely understood that depression is a lifelong battle. It’s understood that depression is like a ghost tightening it’s grip on your neck when all you need is a hug. I get it. Because I’ve been there. No self diagnoses, it’s been medically classified that I’ve battled depression. I know first hand how difficult it can be to get out of bed some days. But do you know what I don’t do? I don’t resort to life threatening, family ruining self medicating. I don’t use drugs and alcohol to kill the pain. I man the fuck up and take everything for what it is. I had a bad day? Tomorrow has potential to be better. 

Now, I don’t feel this way about every person whose depression has resulted in drug and alcohol abuse because that would be an extreme generalization and I don’t have the right. But I do feel this way about Kim. Regardless of the mass of people who were rooting for her recovery and all the chances she was given to recover and all the support she had despite how much pain she caused, she didn’t take it. She would not fucking take the help.

In the most recent years of her illness, she’s become vicious. Anyone that got in the way of her and her pills had to be annihilated. Even her daughters. Lie after lie after lie. And now we’re in court. Even without making any direct contact to Emily and I she still manages to ruin our days.



Mini Cooper S

Sofiaz Choice (via Italy) Monreale (Sicily) - Duomo (1174 AD)
Too much is happening.

And it’s all happening at once. I’m just going to list it out because if I even attempt to write (or type, I guess) about it all at once my brain will melt.

1. Robert. Him and I are friends now and I’m glad. We were like best friends when we were dating. Even in the message he sent to break up with me, he said himself that he “couldn’t lose me” and that I was his “best friend.” It makes me so sad to think about that. We weren’t friends until maybe a month ago. We spent so much time apart and now, with thirty nine days until he moves to Pittsburgh, we’re rekindling something. I’m not upset or torn apart at the fact that we hooked up when he picked me up the other night; I’m upset that he’s leaving. He’s leaving so fucking soon. I want to spend as much time with him as I can without it seeming like I’m taking us hooking up as more than what it is/was. His personality is almost identical to mine. If I had to find myself a guy that I felt suited every aspect of me best, it would be him. And that sucks. Kamila hurt him and that makes me so fucking angry. Although he deserves it, I don’t ever want anything bad to happen to him. At some point I did. Now I just want to see him succeed. I want to hear about all of the things he does in Pittsburgh and I want to hear about all the exams he got A’s on and as much as it’ll hurt to hear, I want to hear about the beautiful girl that he falls in love with and brings home over winter break. I’m sure he’ll find someone. And I hope she’s beautiful and intelligent and funny. I mostly hope that she can make him laugh how he does when him and I are together. I hope he makes memories with her, but I hope he doesn’t forget about everything we’ve experienced together.

When he picked me up on Sunday we drove around for a while. As soon as I got in his car I was overwhelmed by the scent of his cologne (that I can legitimately recognize anywhere). Not a single thing was awkward. We laughed and reminisced on old memories and jokes. I kept catching him looking at me while I wasn’t paying attention. When we were talking to each other he looked right in my eyes the whole time. He picked up a pack of cigarettes and we drove to Dunkerhook. We sat on opposite sides of a picnic table. He asked me a lot of questions about school and Greg and Logan and family. We mostly listened to Childish Gambino the whole time. At one point he came and sat next to me and we scrolled through Twitter, Instagram and Vine on my phone and he rested his arms on mine. I rested my head on his shoulder. Flight of the Navigator came on and made both of us silent. The lyrics were very, very fitting. His face got very close to mine and I looked up. He paused and stated that he didn’t know if he should do it or not. I explained that I was okay with it and that I wouldn’t be an emotional wreck about it. We stopped and held hands and I put my head back on his shoulder. He slowly got close to my face again and when our heads were maybe an inch apart he grabbed my face and kissed me. Things became heated quickly and we did more than just kiss. We almost had sex but I declined and I almost regret that. After we were done messing around he just held me and kissed my head. It was completely dark except for fireflies and it looked so beautiful.

And now I have 39 days to repeat this.

Just please don’t go.

I don’t feel like writing about everything else anymore.